Artemis Fowl: the Ironic Files
by Slippers12340
Summary: not that ironic...Spiro breaks free and Artemis is blamed for a crime...oh, and the Butlers works for Spiro


Jon Spiro waited…when would that accursed Carla Frazetti arrive? She was supposed to be here at least 10 minutes ago. It was she who would spring him from this jail cell. All of a sudden, he heard quiet footsteps coming his way…He looked up and saw Carla Frazetti, the woman who was a crucial bit of his plan to get out of jail. Of course, she wasn't doing this for free. As soon as Spiro escaped, he would reactivate his banking account and pay her 20 grand for her services. Then he would get even… "Get up already! I haven't got all day and the guards will be coming back soon! We have precisely 20 seconds to get out of this cell before we're caught!" whispered Carla, penetrating Spiro's thoughts.

"Okay, okay, I'm coming," grumbled Spiro as he left the cell.

20 minutes later, Spiro was back home in the Spiro Needle, having paid Carla. Now… I can concentrate on finding out how that little brat Artemis stole my Cube from me. Hmmm…I wonder…Spiro stayed up late in the night thinking of a plan to catch Artemis Fowl so he could find out how Artemis stole the C Cube from him after he had stolen it from Artemis. At last, he had a plan. With that done, he closed his eyes and went to sleep.

**Spiro Corp. Flight 7849**

Spiro was jubilant. He had Artemis; he had Artemis Fowl and Butler his bodyguard! He was ready to make Artemis tell exactly how he stole the C Cube back! Spiro decided that he would allow himself to be tricked again. If Artemis didn't cooperate, he would meet his end at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean (over which they were flying now). Unfortunately for Artemis, after he, Holly Short, Juliet, Mulch, and Foaly had retrieved and destroyed the C Cube, Artemis, Butler, and Juliet had received mind-wipes to make them forget the Fairies forever.

Artemis, however, had planned ahead. Butler was armed to the teeth with a throwing knife in each boot, daggers sheathed in his pockets, and a hand pistol in his belt. This airplane did not check for weapons, otherwise, Spiro himself couldn't get on his own plane. As they began to gradually circle over the ocean, Spiro decided that it was time to get to business. "So Arty (his nickname for Artemis), would please begin? I am waiting," spoke Spiro.

"What do you want me to begin with?" asked Artemis pleasantly.

"Oooh, playing games now are we? Anyways, I know that you know what I want you to talk about so speak up!" Spiro said impatiently.

"I am afraid that I have no idea about what you are talking about, so I am considering this as a waste of time. You see, I have other things to do than listening to you jabber," stated Artemis, knowing that he was making Spiro madder and madder, though he really didn't know what Spiro was talking about thanks to the mind-wipe.

"Fine. I'll go straight to the point seeing that you're to dimwitted to realize. Tell me, how did you steal my C Cube from me?" inquired Spiro.

"What C Cube?" asked Artemis.

"Why, I declare, you've lost any touch you've ever had, or, as I don't doubt, you are stalling for time. Do you know what will happen if you don't cooperate?" When Artemis didn't reply, Spiro continued

"Why, I think I might have to remove any form of communication from you and have you 'jump…" he left his sentence hanging to see the look on Butler's face. It wasn't a pretty one.

Ironically, Artemis' cell phone began to ring madly. Even though Artemis had set it to "vibrate". "That's odd," Artemis said," no one has my number except for Butler, and, I set it to 'vibrate'. Hello?"

"Your number is hard to find Mudboy. Did you know that?" said a strangely familiar voice.

"Who are you, your voice sounds familiar, but I've never heard it before." "Artemis, wake up, this is Mulch, calling for duty, a little early perhaps, but that's 'cause you are in trouble," replied Mulch.

"And who is Mulch? Isn't mulch a protective covering of organic material laid over the soil that's around plants to prevent erosion, retain moisture, and sometimes enrich the soil?"

"MULCH the FAIRY DWARF who is currently in hiding from COMMANDER JULIUS ROOT, HOLLY SHORT, FOALY, and all the rest of the LEP," said Mulch who shouted some bits of his speech to "highlight" them. His only answer was a soft "Ohh" from Artemis who suddenly remembered everything, including the Fairies, regardless of the mind-wipes.

"Have you finally decided to tell how you stole my C Cube from me?" said an impatient Spiro.

"What nonsense! The C Cube was never yours; you stole it from me and called it yours. Oh, and just so you know, you'll never get it because I destroyed it. 5 years from now, I shall recreate it and possibly make the same deal with you only to a different company, Phonetix, perhaps?" Informed Artemis, watching Spiro's facial expression, loving how it changed so drastically, and knowing he would pay later. To Mulch, he asked, "Are you still there?"

"Of course I am, hey, put Butler on the line, he should remember too!" replied Mulch.

**LEP Headquarters, Haven **

Captain Holly Short was having a grand ol' time with Commander Root. "Holly, we need to catch that slippery convict and secure him in a jail," said Root referring that Mulch had yet to be caught and punished for his bouts with Fairy law. "He could be telling a Mudman about the Fairies right now!" shouted Root, turning the color of a beetroot, hence the nickname "Beetroot".

"Yessir. Foaly is doing his best sir," replied Holly dully.

"He better be doing more than his best! I don't pay him a million pounds of gold for nothin' yeh know" roared Root, turning steadily redder in the face.

Just then, the door banged open, and in strolled Foaly, the centaur. "Root, I've done it! I've found Mulch Diggums, he's on the phone and I was able to trace his call. He was and is using "magic" words and he's telling a Mudman, well, Mudboy all about the Fairies. It's not any old Mudboy he's talking to either, its Artemis Fowl the Second," gasped Foaly.

"He's what!?" said Root as he sprayed bits of the cigar he was smoking into Foaly's face. "Holly, take the next shuttle to the surface and grab any wings you like and follow Foaly's directions. Understand?"

"Yessir," chimed Holly automatically.


End file.
